Top 10 Things I’ve Learned While Living In Taiwan

According to my Blogger stats, this is my 50^th post. I feel like it should be commemorative or special or something, so I compiled a special list of educational tidbits inspired by recent events. There may be more before I leave, but for now, these are must-read lessons for any Taiwan-bound traveler.

Here they are, Letterman-style:

10. Traffic lights and crosswalks are for decoration, like wreaths or boughs of holly at Christmastime. Or Paris Hilton. They’re pretty to look at, but serve no real purpose.

9. If you want to eat, go somewhere where you can point or serve yourself. If you can speak, the waiters won’t understand because they can’t process the fact a white person is speaking Chinese. And if they do understand, they will start acting like you are fluent, which you aren’t, and ask follow-up questions way out of the realm of your vocabulary. All in all, it’s a lose-lose situation and you end up leaving just how you started—hungry.

8. Make your umbrella your new best friend.

7. Unless you are filthy rich or don’t mind your bank account being cleaned out, stay strong when shop-owners approach you. They sense indecision and hesitance like a lion smells blood. It’s okay to say no and walk away. They don’t know where you live.

6. And if they do, well then you had better buy something.

5. There is a fine line between being polite and tentative, neither of which have any place in the realm of public transportation.

4. Be flexible, because anything and everything will go wrong.

3. When deciding to eat questionable food, make sure to always carry a plastic bag with you. This is non-negotiable.

2. If you haven’t gotten lost and broken out in cold sweats of panic, you haven’t been nearly adventurous enough.

1. Weather reports are just about as useful as glasses are to a blind person.